Hire Me, La Brea Tar Pits

To Whom it May Concern,

Attached please find my resume in application for the position posted: Puppeteer – Triceratops and Saber Toothed Cat Full Suit (part-time) at the LaBrea Tar Pits. As you can see from my resume, my nine years of experience working in the entertainment unions as well as my entirely useless academic background will not lend themselves in any way to success in this role. I also do not enjoy being hot or wearing large heavy costumes. Or interacting with multiple small children at once. All of that said, as nearly anyone on my facebook feed can attest, I am very enthusiastic about puppets (I’ve hosted not one but TWO sock puppet parties) and cats. Certainly more contemporary cats than over-sized hell beast cats with canine incisors the likes of which has not been seen since evolution eradicated the need to fell colossal herbivores with a single chomp — but I digress. Anyway, I like cats and puppets and dinosaurs so I think we’re good to go.

I do have a few questions about the job though – and certainly a cover letter is the place to include those, so I’ll continue. First, you do realize, of course, that you are asking someone to have the range and ability to play Pleistocene as well as cretaceous, right? Who else is applying — Meryl Streep? Not to mention being asked to switch between hunter and hunted, mammal and lizard, with not so much as an act break? Is this an Equity job? Just checking.

Moreover, I would love some advice on preparing for the required audition. In terms of monologue,Brecht or Chekov? Do you have a preference? Because I’ve narrowed it down to Masha from the Seagull or the eponymous Mother Courage.

Finally, according the job post, “a physical examination from a medical doctor” will be required of finalists for the position. Why? Just because you require someone who can “carry 73 pounds on back in a crawling position, supported by arm stilts for periods of approximately 20 minutes multiple times a day. Weight distributed on forearms, shoulders and back. Restrictive straps at chest, waist, arms and thighs. Extremely hot, claustrophobic full suit puppet with limited sight range. Saber toothed cat puppet has animatronics, with internal mechanisms for movement and sound amplification run by external remote control operator”? That seems extreme. I’m more concerned with whether or not I will be able to eat snacks while inside the suit and whether or not the aforementioned animatronics will in anyway prevent me from texting with the other Pleistocene mammals, instagramming pictures of crying children and calling my agent to ask if he’s found me a better gig.

Thank you for your consideration. Please feel free to contact me for references or with questions about my resume. I look forward to hearing from you…. but if I had to be honest I’m really looking for more of a full-time thing.

Sincerely,

Ursula Lawrence